Tis the Season for Difficult Conversations: A Guide to Online and Offline Discourse

This holiday season, friends and family will be coming together for the first time since the start of the war between Israel and Hamas. Opinions from different generations and perspectives can lead to tense conversations—both online and offline. People at gatherings may have seen social media posts from their loved ones, old friends, or influencers that don’t align with their personal views.  

The war has ignited a barrage of social media posts reacting to the horrific attack on October 7, the dire humanitarian conditions in Gaza, the mounting casualties, and 240 innocent civilians still being held hostage by Hamas. This wave of content can be emotional. The pressure to post something, especially when it seems like everyone else is, can feel overwhelming when tensions are running high. That pressure to post publicly can lead to hasty reposts, angry comments, and hurt feelings. The truth is: you don’t need to engage online if you don’t want to, or before you’re ready to. 

Understanding how the social media ecosystem operates may help you in more thoughtful engagement. Additionally, holiday get-togethers may provide an opening to talk about what people are seeing on social media—the helpful and the harmful—and have an in-person dialogue about these sensitive topics. 

Understand the context of the issue and how social media platforms work. 

It is important to understand that the tools we use for online discussions aren’t neutral. The companies that operate social media platforms build tools to, among other things, moderate content and rank posts in feeds. Joint research by the ADL Center for Tech & Society and the Tech Transparency Project found that major social media platforms even suggest antisemitic content to users who have searched for conspiracy-related terms. And despite policies prohibiting hate speech and graphic violence, platforms don’t always live up to their stated values. It’s important to have this context in mind when choosing whether to share a post or join a discussion online. 

One element that is central to how social media discussions operate is algorithmic amplification. Often, when we hear the term “algorithm,” it seems hyper-technical and complicated. An “algorithm” is like a set of instructions or a plan that helps a computer in solving problems or completing tasks. “Algorithmic amplification” is when algorithms make certain things more noticeable or prominent online. For instance, on social media, algorithms can highlight or amplify certain things to affect what people see and interact with on the internet. 

Consider the online shopping experience: if you search for specific products, like maternity clothing, algorithmic systems recognize this signal. After that, you may see targeted advertisements for bottles, bibs, or other maternity-related products toward the top of your searches and on social media. This is one example of how algorithms tailor content to align with individual interests and behaviors.

While algorithmic systems are complicated, it is important to remember that they are still made by people. Social media companies like Meta, TikTok, and YouTube use algorithms to create the feeds that populate their apps and websites. People – not machines – program the algorithms to achieve goals that humans decide, including what type of content they should deprioritize or recommend.  

Social media platforms have an attention-based business model. That means that the more time people spend on a platform, the more money the platforms make. The type of content that generates the most attention is often divisive or simplistic, erasing the nuance of a situation in favor of a quick take that plays to people’s preconceived ideas. Many algorithms are designed to take this into account when determining what types of content is recommended to users. If you see a post that you disagree with, and comment on the post, you are still contributing to engagement and attention on the platform.  

Here’s an example: On your Facebook page, you see a post from a politician you dislike. The politician has made a remark you find offensive. You comment beneath the politician's post saying just that, and repost the offending comment to your followers, again sharing your discontent. Even though the politician’s remark made you feel angry and upset, your comment and repost are signals to Facebook’s algorithm that you – and users like you – will engage with that type of content.   

Sometimes, when we see something that makes us angry or outraged, the best thing to do is prevent it from spreading further by closing the app or scrolling past the post. This isn’t always easy, especially when posts spark strong feelings. The reality is that some posts that cause outrage aren’t violating platform policies against hate or harassment. For example, an influencer you follow posts an infographic about an unfolding news event on their Instagram story that you find unnuanced or unfair. Even though it may make you roll your eyes, or cause stronger emotions, that type of post does not violate platform policies. The best thing to do when you see content in this category is to keep scrolling.  

When you do see overtly hateful content online, report it. In many cases, there may not be an immediate result, but if enough people report a post, it has a higher chance of being removed. The Center for Tech & Society has a thorough guide on how to report hateful content on most major platforms. 

Watch out for misinformation and trolls. 

In rapidly developing newsworthy events, it's all too easy to spread misinformation without meaning to, or realizing it. Misinformation is false or misleading information that is spread without malice or intent to mislead. Misinformation is distinct from disinformation, which is false or misleading information that is spread with malice and intent to mislead. Those who share it are aware the information is false or misleading. Disinformation is often used for social movements, political influence or financial gain. 

Research has shown that false news spreads faster than truth. Misinformation often plays on our pre-existing biases and narratives, making it difficult to detect, especially when emotions are running high. Effective misinformation can take advantage of confirmation bias. “Confirmation bias” is the tendency to believe something that confirms our already-held beliefs or positions about people and issues. For example, if you already like a particular candidate, you’re more likely to believe something positive and not believe something negative about them. 

Considering what we know about false information online, sharing everything you see about a crisis situation may not actually be helpful. Sharing can even contribute to the spread of rampant misinformation. Before you share information you see online, take a moment to check it. Consider the source, and confirm the facts and details presented. This process can sometimes yield uncertainty, rather than a definitive answer to whether or not the information is true. In those cases of uncertainty, it may be best to wait until a clear answer is established by authoritative sources.  

One unfortunate fixture in online discourse is the existence of trolls. These are users who stoke outrage online, intentionally provoking arguments. These users often don’t actually hold the beliefs they’re putting forth but find it entertaining to get a rise out of people. In some cases, they aren’t even real people, but bots set up to spread inflammatory or untrue messages. CTS research shows that trolls are experts at navigating social media platforms and their instigations often target other users’ identities. If you suspect someone is trolling you, the best thing to do is disengage, and block them if necessary. If they violate platform policies, report them.  

Engage in meaningful dialogue online. 

The structural factors that contribute to social media dynamics don’t have to prevent you from engaging in a meaningful online dialogue. You may still be interested in the issue and want to learn from people with different perspectives, and social media can be a good place to do just that. If you do not want to participate in unhelpful back-and-forth conversations in digital spaces, but still want to engage online, consider asking yourself a few important questions: 

• Why do I want to engage? Do I want to argue and prove others wrong, or listen and understand? Am I open to questioning or adjusting my own beliefs? What do I hope to learn? 

• What “platform” am I on? Does it enable me to discuss and respond, or does the platform design prioritize one-way interactions and context collapse? What social media platforms might lend themselves to better dialogue?  

• Who am I talking to? Am I reasonably confident that they are open to a real dialogue? Have I truly considered their perspective? What can I learn from them?  

• What is my message and how am I sharing it? Am I reposting, liking, or commenting? Does what I’m sharing reflect my values? Am I taking the time to be thoughtful in what I’m saying, liking, or sharing? 

As important as thoughtfully entering online dialogue is knowing when to leave it. You can leave an online interaction at any time. Just because you begin to engage doesn’t mean you can’t walk away if it’s clear that continuing will be unproductive.  

Pay attention to your own emotions, and if you’re becoming angry and reactive, that may be a cue that it’s time to step away. If people online are consistently sharing misinformation, using biased language, or personally attacking you, it may be a sign that they are not interested in mutual understanding. You should feel empowered to stop responding or posting. Walking away doesn’t mean you never engage online again. It can mean you take an hour, a day, or a week to reflect on the interaction. In reflecting, consider the emotions it brought up for you, how you communicated your ideas, and if you made space for other perspectives. Allow yourself to learn from the experience.  

Consider choosing in-person dialogue. 

Often, the best way to understand and be understood is in-person dialogue with people in your community. Dialogue is an impactful way for people with different backgrounds, beliefs, and experiences to learn to understand each other and build trust. Dialogue doesn’t just have to be with people with whom you agree or who identify in the same way you do. In fact, dialogue can be a great tool to learn from others with different perspectives and lived experiences.  

In many cases, offline discussions offer more nuance than online ones. A discussion in-person, over Zoom, or on the phone allows people to pay attention to the differences in people’s tone, listen carefully, and provide context. Many online discussions happen with people we know in our offline lives. It can feel easiest to quickly respond to a social media post, but in addition to algorithmic amplification and misinformation, online interactions do not include important cues like tone, facial expressions, and body language.  

If you see a social media post from a family member, friend, colleague or acquaintance that upsets, confuses, or intrigues you, that may be an opportunity to learn more. If you see someone posting online frequently and you want to have a deeper discussion, that may be an opening to reach out offline. Reach out with empathy and curiosity to determine if this person would like to have a more in-depth discussion about their perspective either in person, on the phone or a video chat.  

Moments of tension and conflict are the moments when dialogue is most needed. At the same time, if tensions are high, you might need some time to step back and cool off before resuming the conversation offline, especially if the dialogue is with someone whose relationship you value. 

In dialogue, it is important to challenge bias. If someone uses biased or offensive language, it is important to gently but firmly identify the harm. How the person responds will let you know if you can continue the conversation or if you need to take a break. Equally important is accepting challenges to your own biases and beliefs. Someone may challenge something you say as biased. If this happens, it is important to stay open rather than close off and become defensive. Everyone has biases – conscious and unconscious – and will bring those to dialogue. The best course of action is to recognize and address our own biases proactively, or when someone else identifies them. Accept that you may have beliefs that marginalize other groups. In fact, someone telling you about your own biases in a dialogue setting is a vulnerable opportunity to grow.  

Here are recommended elements to being in a respectful dialogue: 

• First, ask if someone else wants to dialogue. Make a conscious decision to do so. 

• Establish some ground rules that you both agree to. 

• Decide on a time and place that is mutually convenient. 

• Confirm that the goal is not to convince each other, but understand each other’s perspective and what contributes to that perspective. 

You are in the driver’s seat. 

Online and offline, you are in the driver’s seat. If you want to talk about a tense topic, you can find the right time and the right people. You can find places to learn, places to gain understanding, and places to express yourself. In some cases, that may be found online. Other times, online engagement may just lead to arguments and hurt feelings. Empathy towards those with different perspectives combined with practical knowledge about the how social media platforms work can increase the odds that an online dialogue will go well.  

Ultimately, remember that in-person discussion makes the most time and space for complexity, nuance, and emotion. Community organizations, religions institutions, neighborhood groups and schools can be good places to find other people who you interact with on a regular basis who may approach a high-stakes event differently than you.  

In tense moments and times of conflict, it is easy to repost the content we see online that confirms our biases, without giving it much thought. The best thing to do, and the hard thing to do, is slow down, make some space, and find the people behind the posts.